America: Suicide and Cait Crosley Essay

Submitted By CaitCrosley
Words: 1007
Pages: 5

Hi Ellen!!

My name is Cait Crosley. Before I really get into this, I wanted to tell you my dream. Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be an actress. I would act all the time and I was a huge drama queen as people would call me. I would act like I was sick or go into stores and act like I was British. Any moment I had the chance to, I would act. One hot summer day, I was watching TV with my mom. Your show came up and I automatically loved it! I loved the energy and the happiness that you could see in everyone’s faces. I remember you went out and danced in the crowd and everybody looked like they were having the time of their lives. In every show I watch now, I still see that amazing energy and vibe you give off. It’s just so good to see and watch! Ever since that first time I watched your show, I knew that if I was going to be an actress one day, I would be on your show. I know my dreams will start to become true if I came on your show.

I have had a rough childhood. I was bullied countless times and I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. It eventually got worse and worse and I thought I found a way to cope with things. I would throw up my food after I ate so I wouldn’t gain weight. Later I found out, in my health class, that I was, technically speaking, bulimic. I ended up stopping because I got sick easier and was always light headed. I didn’t like the feeling. 2 months later, I found another thing that I thought would help me deal with the pain. I started to cut my wrists. It started as scratches and as time went on, I would cut deeper. I would never cut deep enough to kill myself, but deep enough to feel the searing pain.

As my first year of high school carried on, the bullying and my relationship with my dad got worse. I started thinking suicidal thoughts. I would think about how much easier it would be if I had just killed myself and how nobody would care if I wasn’t even here anymore. One day, me and my dad were fighting and he kicked me out of the car. I walked a short walk back home and made my first suicide video. It ended up being around 35 minutes long. That night, once everyone was asleep, I climbed on the roof and jumped off, my first suicide attempt. I landed on a bunch of hard rocks. I screamed and cried and nobody seemed to hear me or cared enough to help. When the sun came up the next day, I walked inside in serious pain, emotionally and physically, and lay down on the couch. That day went on and I kept that fake smile on my face and tried to walk as normally as I could. Haha. That day, I told myself that I would keep this a secret.

My next two attempts involved pills. I counted over 100 pills each time and still lived. I was still cutting and I just couldn’t take it anymore. My dad and I got in one last argument and then I was dropped off at my mom’s door step. I later told my mom and step dad about my attempts of suicide and how sad I was. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my whole life. Less than two days later, I was an inpatient in my hospitals Psych ward. I was in the hospital for a total of 1 and a half months. I was readmitted once because I was planning on drinking bleach. While I was there, I met some amazing people from doctors to mental health councilors to some