First in order to gain an objective perspective on my paper, it is important for me to write down the comment that the TA given me: “This paper has a good visual presentation. The content could be strengthened with a clear thesis and strong support throughout the body.”
I feel like I posted a lot of problems in my intro, I don’t think is due my inability to write an essay, but rather I was confused by the instruction that was given. When I first read over the assignment, I thought to write in a letter format I can neglect a normal essay structure, I was under the impression that intro is not relevant, and we were given the freedom to create any kind of intro that we like. After thoroughly going through the TA’s feedback, I noticed some significant error in my intro. First of all, I had no thesis in my intro, no clear introduction to correspond with what I am going to write in my body, no clear structure, it is merely just comments that has nothing to do with the assignment. Therefore, in order to improve this paper, a complete rewrite of the intro is definitely necessary.
Rewrite of the intro:
Dear Henry: After reading your letter, I have given this question some extensive deliberation and consideration. In this following letter, I will go through the advantages of I.G Baker & CO by examining the business acumen of the founder and managers, with regards to some key strategies that they imposed. Furthermore, I will discuss the convoluted relationship with the Canadian government that helped made them successful. Regardless, the main focus is on the disadvantages of the company, the incessant bribery and deception to multiple business parties, and the rocky relationship with the First Nation people. These clear cut evidences should hopefully help you make the right decision.
With a complete shift in my intro, my entire body paragraph should shift its focus too. I think one of the advantages of my body paragraph is the amount of evidences that I provided to support my statements. For example, I used examples from both articles to support my essay, with regards to terms such as “Shred management” and the “Blood (Kainai) Reserve incident”. I think I was able to utilize these evidences to my advantages. Furthermore, I feel like I considered the time period of the letter as well, since I know this letter should be taken place in 1886, I included incidents such as the Saskatchewan Revolution to support my statements. I think I should be given more credit for my body. Regardless, I still found a lot of problems that I have in my body paragraph. Since I did not have a clear thesis, I was kind of writing my paper without a clear sense of direction, I was writing from an objective point of view, providing evidences from both sides of the argument. Instead of writing the paper from an objective perspective, I should have taken a clear position, providing more examples and evidences. For example I should have included some more allegations regarding bribery and dishonest business practice, especially the convoluted ties with the Canadian government, there are a lot of