Eduardo E Wong
University of Phoenix
ENG/221: Technical Writing Fundamentals
Professor: S. Ramdial, Ph.D.
February 6, 2014
Title: Corporate Memo
Riordan Manufacturing Memorandum (University of Phoenix Virtual Organizations’ intranet sites) does not have a date on it. A properly written memorandum should be dated. Placing a date on the identification line helps the reader recognize when the memo went into effect.
The Subject line (RE:) is very confusing and should be more specific. The use of “China Relocation” draws out the main focus which is relocating the facilities within China instead of relocating their manufacturing installations from the United States1 to China.
It is obvious that this memo is a follow-up of an original strategic move to save time and money. The two bullets should have been part of the first memo. Restating the purpose loses the focus of what really needs to take place. The paragraph just below the bullets is specific and would make more sense as a recap of the initial memo.
The organization of the memo could use some improvement to clarify better the ideas of the author. The sentences structure in this memo would be more effective if they were shorter. The most noticeable aspect of the memo is how long the sentences are. In several paragraphs, the author uses long sentences that in some instances do not make sense. An example of confusing statement is on the following bolded words. I quote “As the production volume from the China plant has increased, we are seeing that significant savings can be had by utilizing container shipping companies such as the China Shipping Container Lines, a branch of the China Shipping (Group) Company”2.
The tone of the author is appropriate as the verbs are used on an active-voice. Using the tone this way helps