Some days it is only bearable to just lay in bed. Honestly, that is all that I can really bear. And even when I am sitting there, doing nothing, being a lazy shit I think about everything I have, everything I can achieve, everything that I have achieved, and I really don’t fucking care. I don’t care about anything anymore. I say that now, but I will wake up tomorrow and ﬁnd something to get me through the day, something to make my life seem like it matters. I don’t know if that is going to be a sudden short-lived interest in school work, a new pair of shoes, a party with my friends, or a call from my sister. The distraction is nice but I know that despair is waiting for me. I guess we all suffer in some way. Maybe this is my own personal brand of suffering. Failing life due to a ﬁgment of my imagination. I know that I am important. I know that. But it doesn’t feel like all the time. I am not suicidal. I think that I am self destructive, but I would never just end it. I think that my will to live is stronger than that. I am a strong person. I think the issue is holding up the armor for only so long. Being strong is tiring. I don’t understand why I can’t just be weak all the time. Why can’t I just stop everything that I am doing and just say FUCK IT, like I constantly feel. I would love to just say FUCK IT, FUCK YOU, FUCK
EVERYONE, and FUCK IT ALL. But let’s be honest I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t but it’s just not happening. Have you ever thought about the concept of a job? People usually hate their job. They all fucking hate it! But they don’t just say fuck it. They stay.
And they work and they labor away at everything in their life. Just to be insigniﬁcant.
They think that they are happy but they really aren’t. And honestly, maybe that is ﬁne.
Maybe that’s just life. But I don’t want that. I want to be something incredible. I want to be something that is inﬂuential. I just don’t know what is inﬂuential about me at this point. If I can’t even get a decent looking guy to want to talk to me then how the fuck am
I going to get people to care? It’s not like I’m ugly. I am not ugly. If anything I am classically handsome. It