SEPTEMBER 28, 2013
PSYCHOLOGY 41/SOCIAL AND CULTURAL
DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN
When describing an experience of interaction that changed me in a profound way, I reflect on my grandfather. My relationship with him not only influenced my whole life, but my life was forever changed by it. My development, and growth were severely stunted and my lack of coping skills were greatly influenced from his sexual abuses.
My grandfather’s abuses led to the destruction of my life. I have spent most of my life incarcerated and I know I am who I am today because of what I suffered as a small child. Please do not misunderstand me, I am responsible for all the poor choices I have made in my life, but I know I would have never made those choices had I not gone through what I went through as a child. I would have been stronger, I would have been more confident, I would have had a solid foundation in order to make healthy choices instead of the unhealthy choices I made throughout my life.
These events led to my believing I was responsible for his actions, it led me to believe I was not worthy, I was not beautiful, I was not smart, and I was not powerful and that I was not safe. My life of substance abuse started immediately after I told my mother of the abuses and escalated when I was raped by a stranger at the age of fourteen-years-old. I was an addict from day one. The first time I was high I felt powerful, I felt confident, I felt smart and I felt beautiful. These feelings induced by self-medicating is why my substance abuse continued for so many years. I would like to state that I have been clean almost
five years, but it took losing most of my life and those I loved more than anything to finally get my attention and know I had to heal.
Today I am looking for validation more than anything from my abuser. I have tried in the past to offer an “Olive Branch”, but to no avail. My grandfather is a very cunning, smart man and has played his part well. I am currently seeking an attorney that would be willing to represent me and advise my grandfather that I am requesting a settlement for the damage he has caused. This settlement is for one-on-one psychological therapy for the rest of my life. I have offered that this settlement to be placed in a trust fund where it will only be used for said therapy. Of course I have the statute of limitations to contend with, but there is a law that suspends the statute of limitations when a person is in prison. Considering I have spent 26 years of my incarcerated there just may be a consideration.
I do not believe I am being unreasonable in my request for a settlement. I believe I am finally doing something to exercise the power that I feel I have today. And if I do not stand up and represent myself and my past, I will never stand for anything. I have never worked so hard than I have the past eight-and-a-half years at restoring my life and continue on a daily basis to heal from the emotional wounds that my grandfather inflicted. His abuses started when I was very young and until I was approximately eleven-years-old. By the time I was twelve-years my parents moved up here to Paradise, California and my trips down south were less frequent. I was so afraid to tell my mother of the abuses. I truly believed my father would have killed him and I knew it would kill my grandmother. I kept the secret for years. This was such a heavy burden and it shaped me. It ruined me.
When it finally came out I was approximately 12-years-old. I told my mother. I begged her not to tell my dad because I feared what he would do and I could not possibly hurt my grandmother. I swore her to secrecy and begged her to never tell anyone. This was the greatest mistake she ever made, but I know she was trying to protect me. It was our secret. Throughout all those years no one in the family knew. I was now married and had children.