Fuck 'em all."
"I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school."
"The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan."
"Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses"
"As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale.
But they'll be back in court today to try again."
"Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train."
Everyone seems to reckon today was 9/11. I personally think it was more of a 7 out of 10.
GCSEs: Who needs them?
I've been lying on my CV for years and no fucker has checked them.
B in maths? I can't even count to B.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second rule has now been increased to 10.
My Gran's at that funny age.
Fire broke out at the National Obesity Awards today.
Panic-stricken attendees were heard screaming, "Walk for your lives!"
Apparently Fergie believes that "a little party never killed nobody".
I take it she's never heard of the the fucking Nazi Party.
When my new girlfriend told me that she used to be a man called Terry, I just smiled and said, "That's great."
Come on now, does she really expect me to believe in all that reincarnation crap?
At work somebody's been breaking into my locker and taking an orange out my lunch box. Then they're peeling it and scraping away all the inside off the skin.
Fuck knows what's going on but I think someone's taking the pith.
I always like to have a cigarette after a big shit.
Just to take the taste away.
I was going to write a joke about school shootings, but I cannot think of anything appropriate.
Maybe I should aim for a younger crowd.
Text BUCKET to give a fiver to African kids who need clean water.
I texted BOUQUET instead, and sent some flowers.
I've got to keep up appearances.
It upsets me how many hours a day my wife spends down that…