Talking about sex with a parent or teacher is like sharing a twinky. You just don’t do it. Your friends will just give terrible advice, and there is simply no hands-on practice. Once you get down to it, you are the VHS in the stack of new DVDs. That’s how it was for me. Sex is awkward to talk about, especially if you have never done it before. When growing up, you probably had some teacher, or parent, cram down your throat that sex is the most petrifying, nerve-racking, frightening thing, especially before marriage. Sex before marriage is eminent lets face it. Although, the true problem isn’t sex before marriage but rather, simply sex for the first time. It’s the whole idea that makes you check under the bed at night. No matter how much money you spend on those spermicidal condoms, how comfortable you are with each other naked, how many pornos you’ve watched, or how many times she jerked you beforehand, there is always going to be that intense fear of not pleasing her enough and what could possibly happen afterward. Honestly, there is no way to get your first time right, so you might as well just embrace it.
Knowing that your first time will be unavoidably quirky will help prepare you for the inevitable. There are key steps that you must take before the night where you may just lose your virginity. The first of these steps include movie nights. Then eventually movie nights where you don’t actually watch a movie while instead you make-out on your parents old couch. Her being on top of you and you being on top of her while making-out eases the sexual tension. Although, more importantly, it builds the comfort level between you two and of being in said positions. The next step is buying condoms. Knowing brands, “flavors”, and where they are in the store are crucial to spending the least amount of time in the store. Almost all superstores such as Wal-Mart and Target have a pharmacy section where condoms can be found. These superstores have the best variety of flavors like “warming/cooling sensation”, “ribbed edged”, “lubricated” and “skin-thin”. Possibly the most important and crucial part to buying is making sure the cashier doesn’t know you or your parents. If he or she does, this situation is about as awkward as your dad giving you a condom that has an expiration date from 2005. In summary, get in and get out without anyone knowing you were there. The next final step I am about to share with you is probably one of the more important ones. Although health class has taught you all the ins and outs of sexual intercourse, you don’t really know how to do it. This is what porn is for. Porn is a perfect reference to all of your unanswered questions that you have been thinking about since puberty. By knowing and following these guidelines and steps will make your experience less like a Ron and Hermione, and more like Harry and Ginny.
No matter how many times you watch that sex scene from Titanic, or how often you surf the web looking to the top porn sites, you will never understand or feel the intensity of sex until you actually do it. I knew a lot about sex before getting into bed, but once you’re there stripping down to your bare minimum with a woman who is doing the same, reality slips away like a storm cutting off the Wi-Fi to your World of Warcraft. All that exists are you, her, and those black sheets that you are wishing you switched out for the white ones in your closet. Although, before any of this can happen, you must establish an intimate atmosphere. Setting the mood is like baking a crème brulee, if you do not do it right, it won’t happen. The first step in setting the mood is to pick a day. Decide on a day where school or work isn’t in the way the next morning. More importantly, pick the day that isn’t her time of the month. If you are now thinking how you are supposed to know this, you’re asking the wrong person.
After the day is determined, you must organize a dinner and a movie. Cooking