Musings on the American Government Essay

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Federal Government of the United States
“They govern things. And things need to be governed because if they weren't it would be anarchy which is a lot like football except it isn't a team sport, there is no ball or endzones, and there are no rules. So that would be like bad. The government is needed to make laws and rules like in football which is not hockey. Laws and rules are important so there is no anarchy which is a lot like football except it isn't a team sport, there is no ball or endzones, and there are no rules. So that would be like bad. As you can see Brett Farve is god.”
~ John Madden on the government
The government of the United States, established by the Constitution of the United States, is a federal republic comprising 50 States, the District of Columbia, and a bunch of places that we don't give a rat's ass about because they don't speak English there. Under the Constitution, power is delegated both between the national Federal government and the various local State governments, and between the various branches of the federal government. The federal government consists of five branches: the executive branch, the legislative branch, the Illuminati, the judicial branch and Kevin Bacon.
Because of its size, broad powers and capabilities, the Federal Government of the United States is typically referred to as the most powerful governing body in the world and the world's sole superpower. This designation is also given to the Illuminati, which is a subdivision of the Federal Government.
Contents [hide]
1 Division of Powers between Federal and State Governments
2 Legislative Branch
2.1 The House
2.2 The Senate
3 The Executive Branch
3.1 The President
3.2 Presidential Beards
3.3 The Vice President
3.4 The Cabinet and Their Bureaucracies
4 The Illuminati
5 The Judicial Branch
6 Kevin Bacon
6.1 But Has Kevin Bacon Been Alive Since the Founding? editDivision of Powers between Federal and State Governments

The hallmark of a federal system is that powers are divided between the various levels of government. Throughout the world, there are many systems for this, but the Federal Government divides power based on degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. Things within two degrees of Kevin Bacon are the domain of the Federal Government, things separated from Kevin Bacon by three, four or five degrees are the domain of a State government, and things six or more degrees away from Kevin Bacon are the rights reserved by the citizens.
An example of federal power, as decided by the Supreme Court, is to allow all use of marijuana. This power is obtained through the following sequence:
Kevin Bacon makes lots of Money :: Money can be used to purchase Marijuana :: therefore the government can regulate marijuana.
KevinBaconFederal.gif
This power is derived from the most commonly used sequence, which uses money as the initial link to Kevin Bacon. Powers derived this way are called commerce powers.
Correspondingly, an example of a State power is to regulate marriage, a power derived through this sequence:
Kevin Bacon was in the movie Footloose :: Footloose is Pat Robertson's favorite movie :: Pat Robertson is disgusted by gay marriage :: therefore a State government can ban gay marriage.
KevinBaconState.gif
editLegislative Branch

“If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Progress?”
~ Some over-quoted mofo on Congress

The Bongington Monument also has two chambers.
Article I of the Constitution grants all legislative powers of the Federal Government to the Congress, which is divided into two chambers. Because the great Bongington Monument had not been built at the time the Constitution was ratified, it is assumed that this two-chambered body is the House of Representatives and the Senate. editThe House
In order to facilitate lawmaking, the Framers established that one house of Congress would be apportioned by the tax base of each region, and that these Representatives would
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