I can’t believe I just applied to university. I’ve spent my whole life preparing myself to go. 14 years of schooling to prepare myself for university! It all feels so surreal, like I’ve spent months and months stressing over what programs I want to get into, but It only took me less than two hours to apply. I mean it just seems so little and insignificant compared to most everything I’ve done. I write essays for english, do presentations for data and labs for chemistry that take me longer and they mean nothing a week later. But I finally applied to university, finally did something significant and I feel proud, accomplished, excited but I also feel scared, unprepared and alone. I will be on my own soon and it just seems to soon. Graduation is just around the corner and I'm scared.
I have always been scared of going off to school for as long as I can remember. I mean terrified, like the type of fear that makes me want to cry when I think about it. It makes me want to run away from home and never look back or worst shut down completely, isolate myself. For a very long time I refused to talk about moving away, refuse to think about leaving my friends here, refused to even talk about my future. It got so bad at one point that even the word school would send me into this state of panic, my senses completely overwhelmed ; my palms would sweat, my breath would become shallow and delayed, my vision blurred, my ears would ring, my heart
Vail 2 would pound so hard I felt light headed and faint.
It is almost how I picture a bride feels on her wedding day. Walking into the church. Terrified of what comes next. As the doors of the church opens. She walks down the aisle slowly, to the beat, heart pounding, eyes slightly lowered, hands shaking. She takes a deep breath, in through her nose, then lets her body sink into floor as she slowly exhales: This is it, the first day of her new life. Is she ready? is he the right person? will she make her own future or let her past destroy her? .
I guess that was me, for a really long time: a nervous bride of the education system. Waiting just outside the doors of the church with cold feet. I could never face the reality of going away, of leaving everything I know here. But thats not me anymore, I refuse to be that person. Yes im still scared but throughout the last 17 years I’ve learned to make your biggest fear your biggest motivation as well. Just like a scared bride. She knows that the end of the aisle marks her new life but instead of being scared she uses it as motivation to start to new life.
She has spent so much time planning for this…