I actually don’t know why I enjoyed reading your essay, but somehow it drew my attention. Bullying would never be eliminated in our society because people always want to show off that they have power to control others. I feel so sorry that you have gone through this, but I liked that you have realized you should have just been yourself eventually. I think it’s not too late to realize that.
Base 1: Unity 1. Is there a clearly stated thesis in the introductory paragraph? I’m not sure where your thesis is. Is it your last sentence or “This crisis caused me to experience bullying, betrayal and a drastic life change.” Can you be clearer?
2. Do all the supporting paragraphs back up the thesis? Yes, your supporting paragraphs back up your main…show more content… Is there specific evidence? Yes, there is a lot of specific evidence. You explained how you thought they were your friends and how they bullied you by calling you name “Ballena blanco”. You also gave a good quote “Why? Is it because I bullied you too much?” That really helps the readers understand your situation.
2. Is there plenty of it? Yes, like I just said, there is a lot of specific evidence which supports and connects the readers to your essay. It shows the emotion of your situation.
Base 3: Coherence
1. Is there a clear method of organization? (List of items or a time order?) Yes, you explained how your friends treated you when you just got into the band, and then you realized everything when you came up with your crisis paragraph. You also told the readers you solved your problem by trying to be better than your friends, and eventually you realized that you shouldn’t have lost your weight and accept who you are.
2. Are transitions used to connect sentences and ideas? I think you need some more transitions to connect your ideas together. For example, “Obviously, the incident was hurtful and extremely embarrassing and one that I never forgot. The amazing thing was that many of my bandmates witnessed this event (…)” I think it would be better if you use some transition between these two sentences such as however or moreover.
Base 4: Sentence
