There was a young girl in a village who always wore a red cloak her grandmother made her. This girl was going through a phase, so she demanded to be called Red Riding Hood. Red Riding Hood’s grandmother lived in another village, and was completely capable, just incredibly lazy. One day, Red Riding Hood’s mother gave her some pies and cakes. She said, “Red Riding Hood, I need you to go through the completely safe and unsuspicious forest to deliver these cakes to your completely capable grandmother, completely unaided by any adult.” Little Red Riding Hood, being the ten year old she was, grabbed the cakes and pies and skipped off without a thought of the dangers in the woods.
Through the woods Red Riding Hood went, ruthlessly murdering flowers for her own gain by ripping them from their stems. In the woods, she saw a starving wolf that had not eaten for days. The wolf saw the little girl and decided that this was his time to have a feast. She started to skip past the wolf when the wolf croaked and feebly trudged after the girl, “Will you be as kind as to spare a piece of cake?” “No,” and little Red Riding Hood skipped on. The wolf, taken back by her rudeness, followed her and asked, “Should you be walking alone in the woods, little girl? There is a path around the woods.” The little girl stopped dead in her tracks and stared at the wolf angrily, “I will not take those sexist remarks! Just because I am a girl does not mean I can’t walk in the woods delivering treats to my completely capable grandmother.” The wolf, instead of eating the brat then and there, decided to attempt to coax the girl away from the main path, “Well, where are you going with those treats, little one?” “I’m going to my grandmother’s house through the woods. Goodbye.” Somehow knowing the exact house in which the grandmother lived, the wolf ran on a quicker path towards grandmother’s house. Red Riding Hood shook off he wolf’s sudden exit, murdered some more flowers and then continued on her way to grandmother’s house, only dropping the flowers a few feet later. The wolf got to the grandmother’s house first, and gobbled up the grandmother, ignoring the old lady flavor making him want to vomit. Wanting to cover up his act, he dressed in the grandmother’s clothes, but did not have enough time to shave. At her grandmother’s house, Red Riding Hood knocked on the door slowly eating the cakes piece by piece. “Come in!” a hoarse voice said from inside. Not thinking of how raspy and manly her grandmother sounded, Red Riding Hood entered without a second thought. “Grandma, mommy brought you your favorite cakes and drinks!” Red Riding Hood said pulling out a bottle of whisky. The wolf did not approve. Red Riding Hood stared at the transvestite wolf, not knowing it was a wolf, and said, “Grandma, what big arms you have!” “Yes, from all the hugs I’ve given.” “Grandma, what a big nose you have!” The wolf started to tear up a bit thinking of his childhood bullies, “Is it really?” “Well, I mean, it’s not huge, but it’s still pretty big,” Red Riding Hood said as one lone tear fell from the wolf’s eyes. “Anyways,” Red Riding Hood continued, “What big
