I had to watch myself slowly transform into someone I am not. The isolation given to me by the society I lived in forced me to dwell in my sins which eventually began taking a toll on my mentality and even my physical being.
I had a determination to stand alone despite the opinion of society. My morals were a bigger concern to me that the thoughts of the judgmental people who surrounded me.
I completely lacked any adult companionship throughout my life. The only comfort outside of my home I had was the feeling when a stranger in town didn’t comment on my past or the “A” placed on my breast. I had nothing but the strength of spirit to sustain me.
One thing I have always been concerned with is trust I possess in myself and the knowledge that I am as honest as I possibly can be.
Above all things, I was honest. I was not only honest to the entire public, but I was honest with myself. Even in my sham of a marriage, Chillingworth knew that I was frank with him. I felt no love, nor faked any.
My life is public repentance.
Even after years of social alienation I began to change again, mentally. I no long wallowed in self pity. I began offering comfort to the poor, the sick, and the broken. When the governor was dying, I was at his side. Despite the fact he never did anything to deserve my comfort.
I had no friend, no companion, not one foot crossed the doorstep of my cottage. I had Pearl to raise and she produced a great number of difficulties.
But in my solitude, I had a great deal of time to think. My shame in the face of public opinion, her loneliness and suffering, and her quiet acceptance of her position…