Father died today, I don't really know why but I am not really sad, not happy but not sad either. Indifferent to the situation really I never really had a great relationship with father so there isn't really a reason for me to be sad is there? The thing I find most strange is that the people he complained about the most were crying, the people that he hated the most are crying the most, so strange...
One week after the death we had the funeral service, it was short and sharp and summarised his life almost perfectly. He hated all things religion even to the last little part of his life he is a strong man, his remains were cremated and scattered along his favourite place to sit down and have a cigarette, the beach.
Time is going by ever so slowly without father, it is like I am missing something, maybe his death does matter. A father, the bread winner, in my life he mattered, but in a universal sense he is just another cog in the machines. When one dies another is born, no life is more important than the next. That is what I have discovered since father's death, my feelings are no longer indifferent. More a feeling of uneasiness, and emptiness that comes with the death of a loved one. I think I need to find someone like father, I need someone like him. My English teacher at school reminds me of father, perhaps I will talk to him.
I talked to my English teacher at school, his advice was emirate of father, he was reassuring, and it felt like he really did care about my problems. In a way it feels more effortless and easy to talk to mr. Jackson as Apposed to my father. More natural, as mentioned before I had a terrible relationship with father, but he was always there when I needed, that's what I want with mr. Jackson, someone who can help me with my problems.
I hate mother, she does not understand, I get that she is upset, but I think she needs to move on, I have tried to explain the unimportance of the death in the universe, but she doesn't care she is a selfish bitch some time I hate her when she gets like this. I went over to mr.