(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay: Hi Tona! My name is Krizza R., and I will be looking at your argumentative essay on the need to provide teens with a place where they can stay away from violence. I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Shall we begin? :)
First of all, it's great that you developed these sentences that present the debatable issue that serves as the basis of your argument: Many people and in our communities view the facts about youth violence as unavoidable and have accepted youth violence as a societal reality. But truth is that youth violence is not inevitable, it’s preventable.
By having these sentences, you make the whole essay argumentative because the readers will be aware that some people may oppose your claim. This makes your main idea worthy to be defended. Good job! :)
*Tona 7526570 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
Now, let's work on developing a thesis statement that clearly identifies your argument, Tona, so that you won't end up confusing your readers. Having a clear thesis statement will also strengthen the whole essay and make it easier to understand. Take a look at these sentences first: Teenagers need positive influences to guide them and help them with the problems of life. Giving teens a chance to be a productive member of society with providing them a place where they can have tools for their future as well as giving them a place to have fun, be themselves without worries or violence.
These can be confusing because some readers may identify your main idea as “teenagers need positive influences to guide them and help them,” and some may identify your main idea as “providing them a place where they can have tools for their future as well as giving them a place to have fun, be themselves without worries or violence.” Between the two, you have to choose one because stating both of them will confuse readers. What is the specific main idea of your argument? By choosing between the two and pointing out your specific argument, you will be able to make the whole essay easier to understand. Go for it!
*Tona 7526570 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:
Next, let's work on developing more supporting points to your argument, Tona, so that you can convince the readers even more. This will also make the supporting paragraphs stronger. Take a look at what you currently have as evidence: Since YOUmedia opened in July 2009, about 5,000 teens have taken advantage of the space. Another big part of the attraction is mentors. (Springen, 2011) If more place like this was around the less violence, less suicide rate, more teens graduating and a better future for them.
You have to make sure that aside from the one stated above, you also provide more reasons and evidence to support your argument that teenagers need a place where they can stay away from violence. What are the other reasons why this should be provided for teens? What good effects will it lead to? What other examples of “places” that turned out to be successful in keeping teens away from violence can you include? By answering these, you can generate ideas that will help you add supporting points to strengthen the argument. You can do it!
Finally, you want to make sure that you restate in your conclusion what your main idea is, Tona. This will help you wrap up the essay effectively and reemphasize your argument. Take a look at what you have at the end of the last paragraph: Adolescents face violence, drugs influences, gangs, peer pressure and other daily struggles. People should take a stand to help the next generation to succeed in…