April 30, y
A Procrastinator’s Guide to Procrastination
Procrastinate /prəˈkrastəˌnāt/ (verb): The subtle yet highly effective technique of doing absolutely nothing when a great deal of something is required from you.
Procrastination is what many might consider a ‘lazy’ or ‘indolent’ lifestyle - far from it. In fact, procrastination is an art form that takes a lot more planning and skilled execution then some may think. That jock with the sleepless puffy eyes that looks as though he has binged on energy drinks all night to study for the test; the quite girl in the corner with smeared makeup and four-day-old sweatpants; the quite kid that never sits in the front row yet now sits in the front row in hopes of getting the professors attention because he just finished his final research paper 10 minutes before class (much like this one). You see, all of these students may look like they have been hit with a freight train and their pupils the size of cherries from low adrenal glands, this is due to the fact that they have acquired a very unique skill over the years, a skill that many practice but only a few can truly master: procrastination. I, for instance, have a precise formula when an upcoming deadline appears on my calendar in order to obtain the best results. Now, I didn't come up with this process overnight, but from years and years of practice and perfection was I able to put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastination.’ What may my qualifications be you might ask? What are my prerequisites in putting together such a thoroughly substantial four and a half-page guide to writing like a true postponer? Let me quickly brush over my résumé: I began my self-developed postponement education in Alpena High School where I was a wiz at lofty late paper excuses and managed to skid by uneventfully under the radar. From there I took my abilities further and attended Western Michigan University where I flourished under the internment of a well-known man in the industry called Austin Currier. Under his strict guidance I was able acquire the skills needed to copy and paste directly from Wikipedia and enhance my peripheral vision for optimal test cheating. And now, by following these simple steps, you too can be that procrastinator you have always admired. First thing you must do after receiving directions, objectives, or a due date, is to tuck them into the back of your folder and let them ferment there for a while. I like to think of those papers like a fine wine, their requirements becoming more substantial with age. This must be done in order to accomplish more productive things, which we will cover in the next steps. Now, every muscle and moral in your body will want to begin that task immediately upon receiving it. You must fight this urge with your entire being. You must allow those creative juices to build. As any good procrastinator will tell you, “All of your best work comes in the last moments of working on a task.” Truer words could never be spoken. Next, and possibly the most important step in successful procrastination is having a social media account. My personal favorite is Facebook, as it has the largest following and notifications readily available at all hours to consume my thoughts. I like to call this the ‘Sinkhole Effect’ due to the fact that one could spend hours, possibly even days, trapped, scrolling through pointless newsfeed, reading countless articles, and liking every cute animal photo you see. After getting the feel of the general features, you may advance this technique by searching and adding your favorite comedians, celebrities, places, and anything else that you may think of. This will allow for more postings and news updates, so the more friends you have the more interesting posts you will have to look at. So friend away! Now, the ‘Sinkhole Effect’ may lead into the ‘Snowball Effect.’ Such as finding out what friends are doing, and making plans. It is key that you never turn down an