We were a very broken family and life at home was not easy at all. My father was an alcoholic, and he was also on drugs, and cheating on my mother. He was always angry, screaming, and sometimes when he was really drunk, he'd get physical as well. When I was a little girl I remember picturing and dreaming about my life, dreaming that I would have a very glamourous life with lots of friends, boyfriends, a loving and happy family, a good singing voice, lots of money, etc.. and I soon came to realize, fairly fast, that these dreams would never become a reality for me.
My parents separated when I was 8 years old and for many years later I had this emptiness in my heart that I couldn't fill with anything. And for many years I had to play the mother role in my family because my mother had given up so much hope and was defeated because she didn't know what to do anymore. She was unhappy with herself, her body, and life in general. She did her best raising three kids on her own, but it was really hard on me to step up. I was becoming a very unhappy young girl.
I had started going to a youth group in the community with all my friends and really enjoyed the company of my youth leaders and their family, and all my friends being together. And more importantly, I was really interested and fascinated with God and Christianity. I went to a youth retreat in grade 6 and it changed my perspectives and I wanted to learn more and I wanted to Know God. I've been able to go to this same retreat 5 more times.
In grade 8, there was a boy who I considered to be my best friend. We were very close and I loved him very much and would have done anything for him. Because we were so close, I trusted him with everything in my life and even in my heart. Him and I were both at this place in our lives where we were very down and unhappy with ourselves and our lives and striving for more and a lot of what we needed, we could find in each other. This worked up until when he took away my innocence and threatened me with his life if I didn't do sexual favours for him. And just like that, I wasn't a little girl anymore.
This event brought back so many memories from my childhood that I didn't want to remember, and it led me into a deep depression that lasted for 4 years. In the beginning, I didn't tell a soul what he did to me because I was terrified about it. And I was really ashamed and afraid that God was going to send me to hell because some of these events took place at the Church and I couldn't even bear the thought of God seeing this happening. I was positive He hated me and that I could never be forgiven for what was done. I felt very worthless and I began to hate myself, the world, and everything and everyone in it. I turned away from God and the relationship I had built within the two years leading up to this, and I gave up on myself and my life. I was done. And I didn't feel like I was worth living anymore and I began cutting myself. I cut myself every day, more than once a day. And eventually I just felt so defeated that I couldn't handle life anymore and I tried to kill myself. And in that moment of such unhappiness, loneliness, and defeat, I had said the smallest prayer to God to help me, to forgive me and to bring me to everlasting life and I immediately felt The Lord wrap his arms around me and hold me, and tell me that it was going to be okay, and that I was going to get through it all.
After this incident I for sure felt God in my life and in my heart and it changed me but I didn't change…