Human Essay

Submitted By aaronmartin2k13
Words: 483
Pages: 2

A short transcript from the Gospel according to Bean, on the practice of Beaniology.
Translated from its original Romanian Yiddish.











A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was an old planet that only existed in legendary Scandinavia folklore, the planet called Heinz. 
They were a civilisation not unlike ours but excelled in the manipulation of natural resources, so advanced were they, that with fortune telling devices they recognised the potential there would be in our own race.











After centuries of debates they decided to send the brightest of their own to guide us in our ways and shape our society to their needs, his name... Brendan, which roughly translates to Bean in our language.











Bean first touched ground approximately 65.5 million years ago. An event recognised today as a meteor shower that killed off the dinosaurs. The "meteor shower" was in fact just the debris of Bean ship, that disintegrated in our atmosphere and it never posed any threat to the dinosaurs. The real cause for extinction was Bean himself.











After his decade long voyage across our ocean of stars without so much as a bathroom break or a quick McDonald's drive through ( yes they have been around for quite a long time too) he was hungry. So hungry in fact that he ate every









 dinosaur on earth in the period in Beaniology history as "The Great Dinosaur Binge". After the exhaustion of all of earths land animals he realised " shit I just ate everybody" and so he waited many many years for the sea creatures to grow legs, slowly coaxing them out of the water with Maltesers.











Bean has existed well concealed in our society since the very beginning,


Giving us false trails to hide himself,






Hiding in our popular culture as a form of subliminal messaging so that when he did reveal himself, we would embrace him with…