No Shave November Analysis

Words: 924
Pages: 4

On History:
The Intersection of No Shave November and European Imperialism

Have you ever wondered why men across the country cease running a blade across their faces during the month of November? Keep reading to find out.

No Shave November, also known as No Sex November if your girlfriend isn’t into the hairy face, is an annual phenomenon that has puzzled me ever since I began to grow pubes – which was a lot earlier than I expected and riddled me with anxiety and self-consciousness. Trigger warning: this is going to be a bit of a therapeutic word vomit, so you can skip down a paragraph if you aren’t interested. To tackle my pubes I first used scissors. This worked until I cut a little too close. Then I used my brother’s buzzcut kit until
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Unsure of how to use iPhones, the Mohawk people quickly died of exposure. Christopher Columbus strikes again. Oh Christopher! Unfortunately, Columbus forgot his four-digit iPhone passcode (idiot), and being very lazy, had never entered his fingerprint. Columbus had not quite figured out the geography of this new land, and without his Maps App, he soon became very very lost. Columbus began crying, forming the Hudson river, which he fell into and drowned.

An indeterminate amount of time later, but definitely on the first of November, a young woman named Pocahontas discovered his body, preserved by the saltiness of his tear water. Columbus’ homie, Captain John Smith, was totally trying to bone Pocahontas, and when he heard her scream, he ran down to the riverside to see what was the matter. When he saw his friend, Chris (that’s what John Smith called him) in his girlfriend’s arms, he was shocked, not because he was dead, but because Chris didn't have his usual “legendary”