In this paper I will be talking about how this class and book has talked about my past and present. I will talk about four different aspects: Suicidal, Personality disorder, depression, and bulimia. Which two are from the past? Which two are from now? It will be a difficult for me to tell people about this but its time.
One day on a windy September, there was a yell, squeal of tires and beating on the front door. Again, this scared the hell out of anyone who could hear this. The drunken man that was beating on the door was scaring his wife and children; they had never heard him act like this before. The little girl was like mommy what wrong with daddy he is scaring me. I have no clue sweetie you and your brother’s go to your room. We all trotted to our room listening to what would soon become abuse the mother would render from their father’s hands, fist, and foot, plus her brothers and her or anything he came to contact with. I suffered from suicidal attempts from this. I just wanted to die and leave all this behind, thoughts of suicide is a serious disorder; it can lead to physical, emotion, or mention issues.
Which leads me in to personality disorders my first memory was living in a ranch style house, we lived in the suburbs. My mom and dad were married. I remember feelings of abandonment, fright, feeling unwanted and unloved. I grew up being the outcast in my family and in school. I was always told by my father, I was ugly, stupid, nobody and a waste of space. My father physically abused me and or emotionally abused me. My father beat me and emotionally abused me every day of my life, even now as an adult he still reverts back to the emotional abuse. I always looked for substitute for a father. My Teachers, boys at school, bus drivers, you name it. If they gave me the time of day, I loved them. My whole life all I can remember just wants somebody, anybody to love me. And I always wanted my Dad, because I thought he would love me and want me. But as an adult I have come to learn that even he really never loved or wanted me. But, if he knew if he really knew I would let him know how much I am trying to change. Listing all my personality disorders would be shameful. When I was old enough for a boyfriend I would have up to 3 or 4 of them at a time. I still couldn’t find the love that I so needed. I finally found my one true love, Adam; we have been together for 4 yr. And as close as a couple can get, he was my first, and I knew my last. All we did was argue fuss and fight. We bared two children together which made it even harder. I didn’t know how my childhood was would affect me then and from then to the future. How can I ever feel normal again knowing I will be experiencing all these feelings and emotions again and again? My mood swings are so intense, and unpredictable, one minute I can be happy, the next I am raging, the next I am so full of pain I just can’t stand it anymore and have to try to put an end to it all. Sometimes life is nothing but pain and I don’t want to be here anymore. How does one describe the extreme sadness when so many have never experienced it? When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever imagine, I want to die when I hurt, I am so unworthy of love from anyone. Most people don’t understand what it feels like to be borderline, the intense pain and the extreme depression can never be understand because they have never felt it before the depth of unhappiness